My Goliath

I keep thinking about David and Goliath. It must've been pretty nerve wracking for David to stand there in front a giant who had claimed so many lives with just a sling shot. He had tremendous Faith in God. I wonder if he had any doubts or worries while he was standing there. Cancer is my giant. Cancer is my Goliath. If God delivered David from his giant why wouldn't he deliver me from mine? I pray to have faith like David. Faith to overcome this Giant . Thank you God for my trials because they'll only make me stronger. Thank you God for the bad things that happen because they make me run and take refuge with you my holy father. I love you and will continue to believe that you will heal me because you will.

New Beginning

I'm at a point where I feel like my life is ending. Not my whole life, just parts of it. I guess everybody feels this way at some point whether it be graduating high school or moving out. I am so ready to be done with cancer. I hate it. Not all of it but I hate most of it. I hate leaving home. I hate getting chemo. I hate missing out. Not all of cancer has been bad to me though. Cancer has made me love life. I love my life. I love having family and friends and making people laugh. I never felt so good before I had cancer. So I pray to God that as he closes the bad part of cancer, he leaves all the positive things open.

Cancer round II

I remember the day I faced my worst fear… again.  It was a day like none other. I could feel it in my shoulders as I walked into this jungle of a hospital for the first time.  It was around 7 in the morning.  I thought I was just here for a checkup but it became so much more than that.  I was waiting in the waiting room to be registered when my nose began to bleed.  This scared me.  This made me feel like my cancer was back for some reason.  Eventually my nose stopped bleeding and I finally registered.  I remember talking to the lady that registered me.  I asked her if she saw a lot of 18 year olds in this place.  Unfortunately she said yes.  After I left registration, I went to get my blood checked.  This didn’t take too long, maybe 5 minutes.  After that I was waiting in the waiting room for my doctor to call me in.  He finally did.  I remember sitting on the examination table while my parents were sitting in guest chairs against the wall.  My doctor came in.  He asked me my medical history.  I told him.  Then the part that I wish would have never happened.  He turned on the computer and looked at my blood results.  He saw my white blood cell counts had spiked to 35, well above the normal range.  He casually told me and my parents that he believed that the cancer was back.  In the same breath, he started discussing my treatment.  It very well may have been this moment when I knew I was at the best cancer hospital in the world.  He tells us that he wants me to get on this clinical trial with promising results but says that the trial was at its maximum limit of 90 patients.  He then asks us to wait and he leaves the room.  He leaves us alone for a little more than an hour.  This whole time I feel the tension in my shoulders building.  Tenser and tenser they get.  I am at the point where I want to throw up when my doctor walks in again.  He says that patient 90 dropped out of the trial and the spot was mine …

There is more to this story but I would prefer to take a break and write the rest later.  These are not memories I want to relive all at once.

Phases

Right now I look at my life in phases. I'm sure everyone does. I don't know if this makes too much sense but I think that these different phases we go through define who we are as people. It's like every phase we go through we take more knowledge, wisdom, and sometimes mistakes unto our next phase. The funny thing is, I have never felt like I was in a phase. I always felt like what I was doing in my life was definite. This couldn't be further from the truth. People change. Whether its for the good or the bad, people change. Right now I'm probably in the most important phase of my life, the cancer phase. The weird thing is, for the first time I really feel like this phase in my life is ending. I can really see the light at the end of this tunnel. The lights not bright enough to see what my future is yet. But there's enough light for me to see that I have a future. I thank God for this phase that I'm going through right now, it has changed me. I also thank God that this phase is coming to an end and I have a future in sight.

Final Outcome

I have this urge. This overwhelming urge to tell my story. There hasn't been one time that I've sat down and told someone my whole story. Part of the reason is because it's still being written. The weird thing about my story is that I already know how it's gonna end. It's gonna end with God healing me. I don't know the when's or the how's yet but I know the final outcome and that is whats most important. Like a wise man once said "it doesn't matter how you start, it matters how you finish."

Fight Harder

Dear Bobby,

When you feel bad... Fight harder!
When you feel good... Fight Harder!
When you get bad news... Fight Harder!
When you get good news... Fight Harder!
If there ever comes a point in your life at any time not just when you're fighting cancer when you think that you can't fight any more... Fight Harder!
When you're fighting as hard as you possibly can... Fight Harder!

That's it.

Sincerely,
Future you.

What I want

I know what I want. I want the same thing as every cancer patient. I want a doctor to look me in the eye and say Bobby, your chances are 100%. Not gonna happen. I do know someone who can promise me 100% chance of healing, his name is God. I know I'm gonna be healed. I know 100%. I know Gods not only gonna heal me but he's going to spare me from a lot of unpleasant things. Anyone who reads this please pray for my 100% healing from leukemia.