Friday, December 14, 2012

New Beginning

I'm at a point where I feel like my life is ending. Not my whole life, just parts of it. I guess everybody feels this way at some point whether it be graduating high school or moving out. I am so ready to be done with cancer. I hate it. Not all of it but I hate most of it. I hate leaving home. I hate getting chemo. I hate missing out. Not all of cancer has been bad to me though. Cancer has made me love life. I love my life. I love having family and friends and making people laugh. I never felt so good before I had cancer. So I pray to God that as he closes the bad part of cancer, he leaves all the positive things open.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Cancer round II

I remember the day I faced my worst fear… again.  It was a day like none other. I could feel it in my shoulders as I walked into this jungle of a hospital for the first time.  It was around 7 in the morning.  I thought I was just here for a checkup but it became so much more than that.  I was waiting in the waiting room to be registered when my nose began to bleed.  This scared me.  This made me feel like my cancer was back for some reason.  Eventually my nose stopped bleeding and I finally registered.  I remember talking to the lady that registered me.  I asked her if she saw a lot of 18 year olds in this place.  Unfortunately she said yes.  After I left registration, I went to get my blood checked.  This didn’t take too long, maybe 5 minutes.  After that I was waiting in the waiting room for my doctor to call me in.  He finally did.  I remember sitting on the examination table while my parents were sitting in guest chairs against the wall.  My doctor came in.  He asked me my medical history.  I told him.  Then the part that I wish would have never happened.  He turned on the computer and looked at my blood results.  He saw my white blood cell counts had spiked to 35, well above the normal range.  He casually told me and my parents that he believed that the cancer was back.  In the same breath, he started discussing my treatment.  It very well may have been this moment when I knew I was at the best cancer hospital in the world.  He tells us that he wants me to get on this clinical trial with promising results but says that the trial was at its maximum limit of 90 patients.  He then asks us to wait and he leaves the room.  He leaves us alone for a little more than an hour.  This whole time I feel the tension in my shoulders building.  Tenser and tenser they get.  I am at the point where I want to throw up when my doctor walks in again.  He says that patient 90 dropped out of the trial and the spot was mine …
There is more to this story but I would prefer to take a break and write the rest later.  These are not memories I want to relive all at once.

Sunday, November 11, 2012


Right now I look at my life in phases. I'm sure everyone does. I don't know if this makes too much sense but I think that these different phases we go through define who we are as people. It's like every phase we go through we take more knowledge, wisdom, and sometimes mistakes unto our next phase. The funny thing is, I have never felt like I was in a phase. I always felt like what I was doing in my life was definite. This couldn't be further from the truth. People change. Whether its for the good or the bad, people change. Right now I'm probably in the most important phase of my life, the cancer phase. The weird thing is, for the first time I really feel like this phase in my life is ending. I can really see the light at the end of this tunnel. The lights not bright enough to see what my future is yet. But there's enough light for me to see that I have a future. I thank God for this phase that I'm going through right now, it has changed me. I also thank God that this phase is coming to an end and I have a future in sight.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Final Outcome

I have this urge. This overwhelming urge to tell my story. There hasn't been one time that I've sat down and told someone my whole story. Part of the reason is because it's still being written. The weird thing about my story is that I already know how it's gonna end. It's gonna end with God healing me. I don't know the when's or the how's yet but I know the final outcome and that is whats most important. Like a wise man once said "it doesn't matter how you start, it matters how you finish."

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Fight Harder

Dear Bobby,

When you feel bad... Fight harder!
When you feel good... Fight Harder!
When you get bad news... Fight Harder!
When you get good news... Fight Harder!
If there ever comes a point in your life at any time not just when you're fighting cancer when you think that you can't fight any more... Fight Harder!
When you're fighting as hard as you possibly can... Fight Harder!

That's it.

Future you.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

What I want

I know what I want. I want the same thing as every cancer patient. I want a doctor to look me in the eye and say Bobby, your chances are 100%. Not gonna happen. I do know someone who can promise me 100% chance of healing, his name is God. I know I'm gonna be healed. I know 100%. I know Gods not only gonna heal me but he's going to spare me from a lot of unpleasant things. Anyone who reads this please pray for my 100% healing from leukemia.

Sunday, September 16, 2012


I'm nervous. I'm real nervous. I'm probably more nervous now then when I got diagnosed with cancer. I guess this is where my faith comes in. I gotta have faith that Houston is the best place for me to go right now. I gotta have faith that the results will be good and that God will take care of me. I don't wanna go but life's full of things you don't wanna do. If I put God first than everything that happens in my life is for the best, right? I would like to ask anyone who reads this to pray for my trip to Houston and pray that everything comes out ok, please.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

I just don't get it

I don't get it. I don't know why. This is hard, real hard. Some days I feel on top of the world while some days I feel like I do now. It's not that I feel bad and it's not that I'm weak, that couldn't be further from the truth. It certainly isn't that I don't have faith in God because believe me, I do. I just feel like I don't get it. Does that make sense? I know everyone must feel like that at some point in their life. I started school today. It's great to be back! But I just don't get it. Why do I have to repeat my senior year? Why couldn't I have graduated with my class. I don't feel bad about coming back but I just don't get it. Why God? I know this is all part of your plan but sometimes I question you. I'm sorry for this. If its part of your will please help me understand because I just don't get it.

Friday, July 27, 2012


I can't seem to come up with a title for this blog. I'm feeling so many things right now I don't even know if I could put them into words but I'm gonna try. I remember when I used to play sports the coaches would usually say the same thing after a winning game. They would say "enjoy today's victory but work starts again tomorrow." I just finished my eighth round of chemo. This means my life can begin to get some what normal. I don't have to worry about going to the hospital once a month. I see this as a victory. I'm gonna enjoy today but tomorrows a new day with new challenges and I'm gonna work. I will NEVER be the kind of person to just lay down and die (literally or metaphorically). Weather it's a fight with cancer or a fight for something I want, I'm gonna work for it with diligence and I'm gonna put God first. So in a nutshell, that is how I'm feeling.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

1 more month? Ok

Well it's coming down to the wire. One more treatment then I get the majority of my life back. I won't be done with chemo... Not by a long shot but I'll be done with these monthly hospital stays and that's a good thing. It's funny because at the beginning I just wanted it to end but now I see that all the things I've gone through have made me more of me. I don't know if that makes too much sense but it's true. I'm glad to be me cancer or no cancer, I wouldn't have it any other way. I can hardly explain the changes that God has put me through these past eight months. I feel like I was shocked with electricity or I feel like I've died and come back to life and let me tell you it's best feeling in the world. I feel better now then I've felt in 18 years and that's a fact. So yes, I still
have one more month but I wouldn't trade it for the world because no matter what happens this month and how bad I feel, I know that God is gonna use it to make me more of me. Once again I don't even know of that makes sense to most of you but it makes sense to me and I'm glad..

Wednesday, May 9, 2012


I don't know what it is but usually around the hour of 12 I become very nostalgic. I have a feeling I'm not the only one either. On such occasions I'll put on a good song and just think. This is what I'm doing right now. I just feel like writing so here I am, writing away. I don't really have a set plan on what to write,I am simply writing for the sake of writing and hoping to cure this nostalgia. I don't know how this will pretain to cancer, I'm simply hoping I'll find my way to the topic of cancer sometime while writing this. The main thing on my mind right now is my old senior class. I know why. It's because they are on their senior trip right now. Photos keep on popping up on my Facebook wall. It's good to see them smiling and happy I just wish I could be there with them. It's ok though because I'm in remission. That is my new mindset. Everytime I get sad or in this case nostalgic I just think to myself where I am with my treatment as opposed to where I could be. 6 months ago I had pictures in my mind of me slowly fading away due to the chemo and cancer but that is simply not the case. I am truly blessed and if any of my senior class reads this, I hope your having a great time and I love you guys.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Feeling Sorry for Myself

Im at the point in my life we're Im through feeling sorry for myself. Feeling sorry for yourself is just an excuse, and a sorry one at that.  Im not gonna use cancer as an excuse why I cant do something, instead Im going to use it as an excuse why I can do something.  Man Im sick of cancer, Im sick of treatments, Im sick of not going to school, Im sick of not having a normal life but you know what? Im no longer sick of cancer (literaly) and THAT is whats important. Thats the fuel that im gonna use to get through this.  No matter what happens in my life. No matter who hurts me. No matter how bad I feel, I am  no longer sick of cancer and I thank God.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Things I do not understand

The things that I don't understand help me understand things that I didn't understand before the things that I don't understand now happened to me. Does that make sense? Probably not. I've just had 4 days of chemo and I might be a little foggy right now. What I mean to say is it's funny how not understanding something can make you understand so much. I don't understand why I got sick. I don't understand why I have to do the things that I have to do but I do understand that I don't need to understand. I also understand that as long as I'm healthy I'll be happy. I understand that I don't have to have the biggest house when I grow up to be happy. I understand that I don't have to make the most money to be happy. I don't have to have the nicest car to be happy. I don't even have to always be happy to be happy. So... I don't understand some things but the things that I don't understand help me understand things that I may otherwise never have understood before.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Prom 2011

I can't stop thinking about prom last year. I don't know why. It's making me real sad. I don't know why. I keep on thinking what a good day it was. I felt like I had life by the tail. Three sport athlete ending his jr. Year enjoying life and ready for senior year of highschool. I keep thinking how this was supposed to be the best year of my life. It clearly is not the best year of my life but it is by far the most important. This is the year I realized how much I love life. This is the year I realized how much God can do. This year I learned patience. I don't know why God chose now to show me these things and I might never know but it's all part of his perfect plan.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Half Way Done

Just finished my fourth round of chemo. This means I am now halfway done. So far so good. I had minimal side affects this round and God is truly blessing me. Right now everything has gone right but it's not how you start the race it's how you finish the race and I need God to help me finish this race strong.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Calm Before the Storm

Sometimes I feel just too calm. Too calm to be getting chemotherapy. Too calm to be in the hospital. Too calm to be fighting cancer. This phase in my life feels like the calm before a storm but the crazy thing is, I'm in the storm. This storm with a forecast so bleak and depressing yet while I'm in it, it feels like it hasn't even started yet. This is God, no doubt. Only God could carry me through the storm and make things so calm that I hardly even realize that I'm in it.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I just dont know

I just don't know. I don't know what's happening tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day. I don't know if I'm going to get into my dream college or work at my dream job. I don't even know what my dream job is. I don't know if tomorrows guaranteed. No one does. You don't know were your be tomorrow either. You don't know when you'll get that next piece of news that will forever change your life. I didn't and I still don't. What I do know? I'm here today and I'm in remission. Praise God. I just don't know. But I WILL enjoy today and every other day God gives me for the rest of my life.

Friday, January 20, 2012

One step closer

One step closer to surviving. Just finished round three of chemo and I feel good for the most part. That's three down and 5 more to go and I would do a hundred more if that's what it would take to beat this. I thank God everyday for another day of life because no matter what plans you make, God is always the one to execute them.